I wish I could say that my life as a pastor was everything that I had hoped it would be. I wish that I could say that I was married to the same woman I married 36 years ago. I wish that I could say that my life was always consistent with my faith in Christ and had no dark blemishes on it. I wish I could say that I am enjoying the fruit of raising 4 children in the Lord who are all now adults along with the blessing of 2 grandsons.
I wish I could say all this and more, but I can’t. Alas, I am well aware that I am a fallen man in desperate need of the grace of God through Jesus Christ. I am aware of my own fallibilities, sinfulness, and selfishness. I may not seem that way to people who know me from a distance. Perhaps even those who know me better than others may not know my internal struggles and the shame that I carry, that I fight so hard not to overwhelm me. My critics think I am a prideful, stubborn man, and they are right in thinking so.
But that is not all that I am.
I have, even as a Christian, experienced the judgment of God in my life. There were things that He clearly said He would judge if a person did them and judge me He did. His chastizement was painful at the time, and the only hope I had in it was the promise of Scripture that God chastises those He loves.
In a way, I think God has visited upon me a special blessing that better people than me may not know. When all was “good” in my life, when I was a loving husband and father, when I was pastoring a church, when I could sincerely look at my life and say, “I’m a pretty good fellow,” perhaps those were the times when I was in grave danger. Maybe those times lulled me into a passive self-satisfaction in my own goodness. Probably underneath all those times, God saw a smug pride that believed all those blessings were there because I was a good man and did that which was right.
I do not have those illusions now. I am left with the harsh reality of what I am and who I am apart from Christ. I had those blessings only because of the Spirit’s working in my life. I would have told you this at the time, but I don’t think I would have really believed it. I secretly thought it was because I was special, maybe even better than anyone else.
I have said it before, but during those “blessed” days, I understood forgiveness and grace as theological concepts. Don’t get me wrong, I did wrong things during those days, but they weren’t horrible to the point that I was breaking God’s Law. It was only after I broke God’s Law and felt His judgment and chastisement, that I realized the reality of forgiveness.
They say the ground is level at the foot of the cross. I am starting to understand that, even if no one else does. I feel a sense of shame when I talk with and interact with pastors from my former denomination. They do little to alleviate my discomfort. Perhaps it is my imagination, maybe not.
I am the 100th sheep that got so inextricably lost. I have no illusions that I am part of the 99 who need no repentance. If Christ did not come and get me, I would still be lost.
No one is going to alleviate my guilt and shame, except for Christ. And just as after the accusers dropped their rocks and left, so I stand before my Jesus, and He asks me, “Where are your accusers?” At that question, I have to drop the stone I was hold in my own hand as well, because no one condemned me more than I condemn myself. Letting go of my stone means letting go of the illusion that I could find forgiveness of sin in my self-execution.
Where do I go from here? That’s the most challenging question I face. I know I am no more worthy to preach the gospel than before I got lost. Maybe I am actually in a better place because now I know what God meant when He said He “chose the foolish things of the world to confound the wise.” Then I believed it was because of my abilities, my intellect, my ability to preach a good sermon, my ability to teach, and my leadership qualities. Now I know that God did not call me because of anything about me.
I have no clear direction of what God wants me to do in terms of ministry or His calling. I will try to be as good of a husband I can be to my new wife. I will continue to live with honesty and integrity, to the best of my ability and the grace of the Holy Spirit. I’ll just continue to collect stinging insects as the YellowJacket Expert, be a friend to my friends, and be a dad and a granddad to any of my adult children that care to involve me in their lives and in the lives of their children.
In the words of John Wesley in his covenant prayer, I am “laid aside for Thee.” He has made my life and ministry small, I think, so that I can learn again to be faithful in the little things. Whether He puts me in charge of anything more significant is His business. I do feel the “woe” in not preaching the gospel, so I will preach in what little ways He gives in hopes that He is pleased with me.
