by Norman H. Patterson Jr.
“But thou art making me, I thank thee, sire.
What thou hast done and doest thou know’st well,
And I will help thee:—gently in thy fire
I will lie burning; on thy potter’s-wheel
I will whirl patient, though my brain should reel;
Thy grace shall be enough the grief to quell,
And growing strength perfect through weakness dire. ”
Avoiding Pain
If I had to boil what is behind most, if not all of human sin I would say it has to do with our avoidance of emotional pain. We distract, medicate, numb, lash out, even physically self-harm — all to avoid pain. Sadly, all these behaviors, in the end, do more harm than good.
I never understood this until I reached a point in my life when I couldn't run anymore. I felt like I was drowning in it. It was in and around me. My mind hurt. I had the sensation of a dagger stuck in my chest. I reached the point that no matter where I went or what I did, I could not get rid of it.
Present Pain
Now, I can see God's hand in everything that happened to me. I was teaching English in Guadalajara, Mexico when I saw a book sitting on a shelf in the classroom. It was a beat up copy of Eckhart Tolle's book THE POWER OF NOW. While I don't agree with everything he believes, his message of being present in the now resonated with me, after all, when Yahweh revealed His name to Moses, He called Himself, "I am, that I am." (Exodus 3:14) What could be more "now" than "I am"?
The fundamental lesson I learned from Tolle was to be present in the moment. Up until this time, I was doing everything I could to get away from it. But nothing was working. So I decided to face it. Not just face it, to let it overwhelm me if need be.
I was afraid. I believed that if I quieted myself in the midst of the agony, it would kill me. I knew that unless I found a way to deal with the pain, it would kill me or I would kill myself to get rid of it. So, I tried something I never tried before; I stopped running. I began to sit in the fire and let it have its way with me. If it killed me, so be it.
Avoiding Avoidance
There wasn't an overnight transformation. I had a long way to go. After all, I had to change patterns of avoidance that developed over a lifetime. I began to observe myself, and the destructive thoughts and behaviors in which I engaged. I let myself feel the physical manifestations in my body like the knife in my chest, nausea in my stomach, the tightness in my throat, and the accusing thoughts pounding at my skull.
“God said to Moses, “I am who I am.”And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel: ‘I am has sent me to you.’” Exodus 3:14 ESV
I remember one particular instance after I came back from Mexico. Someone I dearly loved hurt me. Usually, I would lash out in some way or talk about it for days. This time I decided to go to my room, close the door, lie on the bed and mindfully feel the pain.
I focused my mind on allowing all of my senses to feel all of the pain. I asked myself
What does my body feel like in pain?
How fast is my heart beating?
What is the pace of my breath?
Then, I imagined hands touching the pain, handling it as if it were my real hands feeling an invisible object. Then I invited the Holy Spirit into the moment.
This was new for me. I asked the Holy Spirit to enter into the pain with me. I pictured opening up myself to Him. I asked Him to come in and do whatever it is that He needed to do to help me stop the ugly past perpetuated patterns.
At first, it felt like nothing changed. I still felt the physical and emotional sensations. Instead of leaving, I remained in the fire for as long as it took. After what seemed like an eternity, though it was only about 10 minutes, the pain subsided. My heart rate and breathing returned to normal. My thoughts cleared and I was able to see. I responded to the person who hurt me, but this time there was a difference.
I kept at this for months. Sometimes I failed, but more often than not, things began to change, not only inside of me, but my relationships began to be transformed as well. After a year or so, my family started commenting on how I was handling things differently than I did in the past.
Mindful Pain
Christians of the past knew of these principles as well. The poem quoted above by George MacDonald is one example. He was a man who struggled with depression all his life. Much of the beauty of his writings come out of mindfully experiencing difficulties with the Spirit of Christ.
God used the concept of minding pain to heal me in ways I didn't think possible. The principles were there all the time. I was just too busy or too distracted to see them. Now they are a regular part of my life.
“I will lie burning; on thy potter’s-wheel
I will whirl patient, though my brain should reel;
Thy grace shall be enough the grief to quell”
Hope
It is my prayer that anyone reading this will find hope and help in the midst of the pain you are experiencing even now. It is my prayer that God heals your heart and gives you hope. Reach out to me if this blog post has helped you or if you need prayer or someone to talk to. I am praying for you.
