By Norman H. Patterson, Jr.

I Want a Divorce

When she announced to me that she wanted a divorce, I was angry, hurt, and belligerent. I couldn't blame her though. Our relationship had already deteriorated beyond imagination. Each did our own part to contribute to the breakdown of our relationship, yet each blamed the other.

Not long after, she handed me the divorce papers. I quickly signed them and gave them back to her, and she hastily filed them. Neither of us would budge. We were too broken. We both just wanted the pain to end.

There was no doubt that our relationship was in deep trouble. The outward facade we so carefully maintained crumbled. A few months later we stood before the judge, and he pronounced that our thirty-one-year marriage was dead.

The Devastation of Divorce

Now I see the devastation it brought to my family. At the time, all I could see was the pain. God was not pleased with our decision. I now understand why God hates divorce. Nothing good comes out of it — only broken relationships that God must redeem.

To say the last several years have been been difficult is an understatement. I've had to face my part in what led up to the divorce. One reason I agreed to the divorce was that I knew that we could no longer find health and healing together. We both had serious personal, emotional, and spiritual problems that had to be dealt with before we could ever recover, let alone reconcile.

At the time, I thought that divorce was the only way to stop the cycle of pain and abuse we inflicted upon one another. I didn't know that there was an alternative.

Why Moses Gave Divorce?

The Bible is clear that Moses gave divorce because of the hardness of our hearts. (Matthew 19:8) The hardness of heart is the result of the sins committed against one another in a marital relationship. Sometimes it is one-sided, but more often than not, both parties have inflicted serious harm upon the other.

What's the alternative to divorcing? A couple should try every way to resolve their difference and heal their marriage. I believe Christians especially should try every way possible to avoid divorce. However, there are circumstances where all forms of reconciliation, mediation, and counseling break down.

Legal Separation

In Connecticut, there is a legal category called Legal Separation. If I knew then, what I knew now, I would have suggested and sought Legal Separation. I knew we could not heal together, so we had to find a way to heal apart.

Legal Separation in effect dissolves the marriage, but with this one caveat - neither party is free to marry. While legal separation is serious, it does not have the finality of divorce. It is the last stop before a divorce, but it leaves room for healing without the complication, temptation, or pressure of dating.

God Wants Reconciliation

It is clear that God hates divorce and that He wants estranged couples to reconcile. It says,

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:10+11

It also says in Romans 7:2,

For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage.

Perhaps legal separation is the extreme of what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Divorce is Not The Unpardonable Sin

Let me state here that divorce is not the unpardonable sin. God can and will forgive divorce just as much as He forgives all our sin. The only sin God doesn't forgive is the unconfessed sin.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

Christians do not live under condemnation (Romans 8:1), nor should we own the scorn of judgmental Christians.

Two Kinds of Pain

It has been almost three years since my divorce. In those three years, I have experienced unimaginable pain. There are two kinds of pain; destructive and healing. At first, I thought the pain was going to destroy me. I agreed to the divorced to stop the pain. Now that I was divorced, the pain only intensified. At one point, I had to make a choice; either the pain was going to destroy me or it was going to heal me.

I had an experience much like the Prodigal Son where it says in Luke 15:17, "he came to himself." In an instant, I knew what I had done and what I had to do to recover my health, sanity, relationships - my very life. In the coming years, I did everything I knew to get my life back together. I am still in the process, yet to the best of my ability, and by the grace of God, my life is on the right path. God is rebuilding and restoring me daily.

I could not have done that while I was with my ex-wife and she couldn't do it while she was with me. She had her path to walk, and I was the last person in the world who could help her find wholeness.

Before It’s Too Late

It is my hope and prayer that this blog post helps Christians who are seriously contemplating divorce. Even if things have broken down to the point where it seems reconciliation is impossible, shouldn't everything be done to try and save the marriage? I would have suggested legal separation in my own failed marriage, but alas it is too late. However, if you are not yet divorced, it is not too late for you. Please share this with someone you know who is contemplating divorce. You can also email me if you need someone to talk to about your situation.